In the past few months, I’ve repeatedly had to tell people more and more often that I am definitely not a hipster. I’m not a hipster. Never mind the fact I can often be found wearing a scarf when it isn’t cold, talking about buying a Prius, perusing dresses with abstract floral patterns and ambiguous waistlines at Urban Outfitters and planning eco-friendly, vegan cookouts at which to play some newly acquired records when I’m accused of this common Hollywood affliction.
I feel that I must stress that I’ve always loved vinyl and character lenses and indie bands with small but devout followings. Why is it then that only recently my friends have pointed out with increasing regularity my faux oxford shoes, my closet brimming with striped shirts and my attraction to men with tragically tight shorts?
Then someone reminded me that one of the most readily identifiable traits of the hipster is their unwillingness to be labeled as such- obviously, because labels signify conformity to a mainstream, capitalist society- and I began to be slightly concerned. This conundrum has forced me to devise the following quiz-slash-drinking game to find out if I am in fact a hipster, or not. Feel free to take it as well. FYI, if you know what PBR stands for, you’re already in deep trouble my friends. You’ll see what I mean…
For every “A” answer, you must drink a bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon, increase the volume on your record player or outdated hip hop album that you’ve recently “discovered” (maybe I should turn down this Andre 3000 from 2002), or read another chapter in whatever Kafka book you’re pretending to be inspired by. Enjoy, or whatever, don’t enjoy, just be.
1)On movie nights you and your friends watch
a)a French documentary about the influence of Kubrick on the new neo realism wave.
c) a super hero blockbuster.
2) The most coveted item on your Amazon wish list is
a) a fixed-gear bike.
2)a pair of harem pants.
3) a pair of patent leather Louboutin pumps
3)Handlebar moustaches are atrocious.
4)Your Saturday shopping trip consists of a visit to
a)a vintage/consignment shop.
b) American Apparel or Urban Outfitters.
5) When you’re trying to be cool you
a)throw around some French phrases or arbitrarily quote The Seagull.
b) wear an ironic tee shirt, perhaps one with a picture of an owl on it.
c) name drop.
6)You think a man should smell like
a) Tom’s of Maine and home-grown marijuana.
c) Axe body spray.
7) You always have these things on your grocery list:
a) quinoa, organic alfalfa sprouts, sake, spirulina and locally grown honeycomb.
b) a Trader Joe’s summer salad kit and soy milk.
8)To stay in shape you do
a) transcendental yoga.
b) a cardio barre workout.
c) whatever Blake Lively’s trainer’s cousin’s friend recommends.
Well how did you do friends? If you answered mostly Bs and Cs, then you’ve barely touched your PBR and you’ve only been slightly affected by the time you’ve spent living in LA (or Portland or Brooklyn). If you’ve chosen mostly As however, then I suspect that you’re lighting up an American Spirit with a match, or drunkenly stumbling in your Toms and ridiculously low v-neck shirts around the coffee table you made from salvaged recycled wood behind your bff’s start-up microbrewery. I’m not going to say what I scored, but I think it may be time for an intervention. I just hope I get to keep my record player when it’s over.