Most things in real life are nothing like their movie counterparts, but I was recently tasked with being a bridesmaid in one of my high school friend’s weddings and after the unending treks to David’s Bridal (and subsequent starving to fit into a dress I will never wear again), the rehearsal dinner and the realization that being a member of a wedding party is eerily similar to being a creative assistant (Bring coffee! Send emails! Go to the airport…), it dawned on me that all of the wedding clichés in movies are very, very real.
The Awkward Officiator
Remember the odd priest in The Princess Bride who started the proceedings with “Mawwiage…?” Since my friend was having a destination wedding, she had to select a church at random and it turns out that people will not just marry you the way you want to be married. There was so much going on during that ceremony that I’m still not entirely convinced I haven’t been converted into some old-timey sect.
The Wedding Crashers
People probably just shouldn’t have outdoor receptions if they want them to remain private. None of the crashers made up elaborate stories about being in traveling family bands or being related to dead cousins twice-removed a la Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, but there were a few randoms and it was so not okay!
Almost every wedding movie has a cringeworthy speech, but few come close to the one Anne Hathaway gave at the rehearsal dinner in Rachel Getting Married. That was painful. Enter the best man and his story of how the bride and groom met. I. WANTED. TO. DIE.
A Touchy Feely Relative
Every time I watch The Best Man I always laugh at the part where Nia Long’s character tells Uncle something-or-other not to fondle her while they dance. I don’t laugh because it’s funny though, as much as because I often find myself in situations that make me wish I was at a work function so I could sue for harassment. I guess in an effort to leave no wedding stone unturned, an older gentleman in the wedding party… made advances towards people, to put it lightly. #fail
Drama In The Bridal Party
So if you haven’t seen Bridesmaids by now you should definitely go do that. Also, please be advised that differences amongst real bridesmaids are no laughing matter. I didn’t resort to stealing puppies or attempting to destroy chocolate fountains, partly because there were no puppies, but mostly because I’ve adopted most of the codes of Hollywood and I choose to fight my battles by ignoring texts and all other manner of passive aggressive subterfuge. But if there had been a chocolate fountain… let me just say I felt Kristen Wiig’s Pain.
Random Hot Hate Sex
There are few things I like about Katherine Heigl, okay there’s nothing I like about her, but she (Aline Brosh McKenna) did perfectly describe the sad dance that is the post-wedding hookup in 27 Dresses. I didn’t actually get that far, but I did do my bridesmaid-ly duty by making out with someone at the dreary “singles table.” This is just what happens when you have an open bar…
There was plenty more marital tomfoolery of every variety that weekend, but it all served to reassure me that if I ever take that leap, and I probably won’t- no one will know. I’m talking season finale of Girls where everyone thinks they’re just going to a garden party. No fuss, no muss. So I guess the moral of this story is that sometimes Lena Dunham knows what she’s talking about. Also, have open bars at your wedding. Just do it.
Venue: 5 ( Resort Hotel, beach within walking distance- score! )
Alcohol Situation: 5 ( I’m pretty sure I consumed five different kinds of liquor at the reception.)
Personal Victory/Dignity Retained: 4 (I did not pass out and I didn’t punch a certain bridesmaid so yay me! )