Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Girl With the Strategically Placed Body Paint

Published 5/15/2012


Over the last few days, I’ve found myself in the Playboy social circle and I’ve stumbled upon  a delicate and fascinating world of organized sluttiness. I’m not one to judge, as you may recall that I briefly considered a career as a gogo dancer, but these  girls are on a completely  different level.

My scout friend invited me to a mansion party, not the mansion, and it was really more of a very large house in the hills but whatever. I went and my mind was blown. I was told the theme was something along the lines of tropical island paradise so I wore a flowery skirt, but to say I was overdressed would be the understatement of the year. When someone who works for Playboy has an island-themed party, apparently  it means that you’re supposed to turn up in a thong and nautical pasties, or if you’re particularly daring, a thong and body paint covering your boobs  (Insert shocked emoticon here.)

I don’t know why I was surprised by any of this,  I mean  it‘s Playboy after all, but until the other day I was under the impression that rhinestone-covered bras should only be worn on Halloween or in Madonna videos.  Obviously I was wrong. This party  was every adolescent boy’s fantasy, but as for me, who incidentally turned out to be more of a prude than I previously thought I was, I couldn’t stop thinking “That’s someone’s daughter.”   The whole night I was convinced that I was in the midst of a Todd Phillips movie and nobody had bothered to tell me. That goes to show by the way, that if at any point you think you’ve seen it all during your tenure in Hollywood, it can always be topped, or in this case topless.

Somewhere between a rigged costume bikini contest, stumbling upon a threesome in the bathroom, receiving countless evil looks from hopeful playmates and being ignored by almost every man for being one of the few fully clothed girls there, I was aching to leave, but alas, my friend was working so I had to stay. I did manage to make a non-skeezy contact, but I also had to wash my eyes out with soap so I’m not sure if I won or lost that round. Anywho, I got out of there with my clothes on and I learned things about double-sided tape that I could never have imagined, so I’d say I had the breast, I mean the best possible time.

 EVENING SCORECARD:

Venue:  5 (That house was ridonkulous.)

Alcohol Situation: 5 (Open bar…  score!)

Actual Beneficial Networking Achieved: 1

Personal Victory/Dignity Retained: 5

Atmosphere: #winning


1 comment:

  1. I am proud to be someone who knows you.
    You have so much class and character that it can't go unnoticed by those around you. Regardless of what you are wearing- or not!

    ReplyDelete