This week I got my first ever speeding ticket but made a conscious decision not to cry my way out of it lest I ruin my makeup before the audition I was headed to, took a three hour lunch in Silverlake, and semi-seriously referred to my face as “my 8x10” more than once… so yes I’m nearly a full-fledged Hollywood douchebag in case you were wondering.
Anywho, Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching and apparently there are a few people in LA who believe in and celebrate love *scoffs.* As for myself, I’ve already realized and accepted the fact that the only straight men who are attracted to me are hipsters, Europeans and pedophiles so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be indulging in any sappy romantic clichés this year.
However, despite my cynicism and in spite of lackluster reviews and dubious plot machinations, I’m slightly tempted to see The Vow, because who doesn’t love Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams, right? Unfortunately for me, my day off happens to fall on V-Day and I’d rather not subject myself to sympathetic looks from coupled strangers, should I choose to see a romcom alone on this amorous day. As I remain laughingly sex(less) in the city(of Angels), I thought I’d share a few Hollywood-specific dating tips that I’ve gleaned over the last year. Keep in mind that like most things in Lalaland, love is artificially produced, fleeting, and curiously more prevalent during awards season.
1) If you always have to meet halfway, he doesn’t really like you.
When living in a place with horrific traffic and the reality that no matter where you live in LA, it is always too far away from at least five places you need to go on a regular basis, one can quickly asses the strength of a relationship by your suitor’s willingness to drive to where you live (or take you to LAX). I am blessed to live in the only place in the world where dating someone 12 miles away qualifies as being in a long-distance relationship. I once pseudo-dated someone who lives all the way in Santa Monica… and I reside in fair Burbank. If he really liked me, neither tempest nor wild beast would have kept him from venturing across Cahuenga , but alas, at the Grove we didst confer. Ditto for a former flame who lived near the Staples Center. But I totally get it because if you factor in traffic, and the probability that you won’t get your awesome parking spot back, well it’s just too damn far! Real love would make that trek… which is probably why there is more love in Middle America where the traffic is normal and Highland doesn’t get diverted into a one way road EVERY EFFING DAY…
2) Lunch dates are not date dates. It’s just lunch, dummy.
I don’t know why women think anything that happens before happy hour in the presence of a lunch menu is a date, so just to clarify, it is not a date. It is lunch! Nowhere is that truer than Hollywood, where lunch is synonymous with meetings/castings/auditions/delivering screeners/screwing the interns… If a man invites you to lunch, it’s probably business related. Dinner and/or drinks however, are usually proposed under the guise of shop talk but almost always serve as a gateway to opportunistic sex. Beware: this does not involve romance!
3) Spoiler Alert! Even if you are successfully dating someone, it is not going to last!
I’m sorry, was that a little too harsh? Well too bad, this is Hollywood, not Happy-Magical-Best-Friend-Wood. It would be unfair to let you persist in thinking that finding love in LA is likely, because although it is not impossible, it’s about as realistic as becoming famous in less than a year. The fact remains that 99.9 percent of the men out here are far too narcissistic to pursue a meaningful relationship. Relationships require effort and commitment and in case you didn’t know, mindless debauchery is the name of the game, folks. And if you do find yourself smitten but you’re a starving artist like me, kindly yank yourself to the side and remind yourself that you moved to LA to be famous, and alas, celebrity unions rarely last. These are the cold hard facts my friends… so who’s coming to see The Vow with me so we can watch beautiful people get paid to pretend love exists?