Thursday, January 12, 2012

You're an Actress, Right?

Published 1/12/2012
Ahhh Hollywood, such a warm, friendly, genuine place…or not. So in my usually futile attempt to network,  I decided to attend yet another @Infolist sponsored shindig at Skybar  a couple nights ago. I was secretly hoping that my third time there would be a charm, although I was fully prepared to spend the evening having a “me party” all by my lonesome like Amy Adams in The Muppet Movie.  After going through my usual routine of having my friends renege, feign sleepiness, and flat out ignore my implorations to join me, I embarked on yet another singular evening in Weho.
By the time you read this it may be 2013, because I’m pretty sure I waited an entire year at the bar. That doesn’t usually happen there but it was rather crowded and the bartender was exceptionally douchey, which was another first for Skybar. Anywho, before I could devise some new, innovative way to look desirable and important while drinking alone and pretending to text people, I was approached by someone who was mistakenly laboring under the delusion that it is okay to combine pick-up lines from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air with Hollywood bullshit.  He said, and I quote “ It is so unfair the way the light reflects off of your beautiful face.  You’re an actress right?”
Stop right there sir. There are so many things wrong with that statement, but I’ll just focus on one:  Anyone who’s been in LA for more than an hour should know that the actress question is a red flag. It means either A) You think using the word “actress” will flatter me into sleeping with you, or B) You work for Barbizon, John Robert Powers, Pro Scouts or  a similarly sketchy “agency” and will attempt to convince me to pay 1200+ for specialized acting classes and agency showcases which will not in fact  improve my career. I know I look young and impressionable but I know better, so please try that on any one of those eager looking girls standing by the pool over yonder. They look DTF to me, so…
 *this person turned out not to be either of the aforementioned brands of douche, but 99 percent of the time,  your first response to lines like that should be to run away*
I anticipated spending  the rest of the night doing figure eights around the pool and the heat lamps pretending to “look for my friend” but I didn’t have to because I met fellow writer @wilsonsguide  and had a nice little “industry secret” sharing session (I have no industry secrets.) Lame pick up lines aside, the evening turned out to be rather successful, although my meter for success is based solely on whether or not I stand by myself for two hours. I think I need to raise my standards.
EVENING SCORECARD:
Venue: 5
Alcohol Situation: 3 (I seriously had a birthday while I was waiting.)
Actual Beneficial Networking Achieved:2
Personal Victory/Dignity Retained: 4
Atmosphere: 5


3 comments:

  1. Hillarious! I will now become ur #1 blog follower! You r funny gurl!! JGR (chs cheer)

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  2. Lawl! I seriously need to spend a night on the town with you this summer.

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  3. Too short-----This is good stu....What it's over?

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