So for those of you just tuning in to the rantings of my underpaid life, I’m one of thousands of foolhardy aspiring writers/actresses trying to make a name for myself in Tinseltown. In 2011 I tried my darndest to do something worthy of TMZ but alas, a starving artist I remain. After attending one film festival abroad, registering with a multitude of casting services, working two internships, landing one agency meeting, earning a paltry sum of $204 doing background work, submitting a kajillion query letters and participating in various free acting classes which included The Emotional One, The Aussie One, The Angry One(absolutely nothing is worse than a bitter acting coach), The One Hidden in a Questionable Theatre off of Pico, The New Age-y One, and The Improv One, it occurs to me that I may need to adopt a new strategy.
My plan to network my way to fame is failing miserably, which is bad news bears for me, particularly as a writer. My success as a female scribe in Hollywood depends largely on creating meaningful relationships with people who have a vested interest in my career
my willingness to give oral and my ability to write the most uninspired, low brow, star vehicles imaginable. This is allegedly the era of the spec script comeback, but IMDBPro tells me that the future will continue to be filled with remakes, sequels, 3D re-releases and franchise reboots that will disappoint critics and audiences alike. Lucky for me, I have long given up on selling a screenplay with any freshness or artistic integrity and have come up with a list of stories that I am positive will land me an agent and spark bidding wars the second I type “Fade Out.”
The Bridge Over the River Kwai: I know what you’re thinking, period dramas don’t always do that well, especially if they’re not released around the holidays. I have a simple solution: The Americans would be vampires, the Japanese would be zombies and the River Kwai would be a time space continuum. I can already feel Daft Punk volunteering to do the score…
Say Anything: Because apparently it’s not too soon to start ruining
introducing classics to a new generation films from the 80s. I can imagine the casting will be something like Zac Efron or Robert Pattinson and Kat Dennings in this epic tale of first love.
Sucker Punch 2:Bitch Slap : Because it’s almost witty, but really because studio execs cannot be bothered to think of a more creative title. It also lends itself to awesomely bad casting: In addition to Emily Browning this one could make use of Diana Argon, Alexis Bledel, Brittany Snow and Emma Roberts. I smell a Teen Choice Award!
Billy Elliot 2: Don’t you want to see a hot Scottish actor (or someone who can pull off a convincing accent) have some Black Swan-y psychological breakdown? I sure do.
MOVIES BASED ON GAMES/BOOKS/TV SERIES
Wildcard: A psychological thriller based on Uno. If there can be movies based on Battleship and Candyland, I don’t think this is too much of a stretch. Just imagine Clive Owen trying to save his estranged, drug addict daughter Mila Kunis from a world where Draw-2 and Skip are dangerous words.
Gumby the Musical: A Pixar revival of the claymation series . I’m definitely rooting for it to be voiced by Eddie Murphy, Neil Patrick Harris, Jason Segal, and heck, why not let Nikki Minaj take a shot at voice acting.
Good Night Moon, a Space Odyssey: Nothing is sacred in Hollywood, as has been proven by the fates of various Dr. Seuss classics and my personal favorite, Where The Wild Things Are. I’m thinking a live-action feature with animated shenanigans thrown in. Quick someone call Jim Carrey and Jack Black!
Laverne and Shirley: Baywatch and Saved by the Bell are headed to the silver screen, so why not revive this story of two broke girls from New York with loads of chutzpah? Except instead of trying to survive on low-wage jobs, one of them should turn into a werewolf or something, or more predictably have an annoying meet-cute with a handsome stranger on the subway. Complications ensue. Summer tentpole anyone?
I’m sorry if I painted too grim a picture of the near future of cinema, but facts are facts my friends. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go start writing my fairytale inspired, 3-D futuristic zombie teen comedy based on characters from a failing comic book franchise set in a Gotham-like version of new York. Oh what’s that Zach Snyder, you’re itching to helm this….
*if you’re up for more industry lampooning, check out my parody Shit Hollywood Girls Say if you haven’t already*