Wednesday, January 25, 2012

So Wait, That's Not a Thing?

Published 1/25/2012

So I spent most of the day in mourning because Ryan Gosling was snubbed by the Academy yesterday for his performances in both Drive and The Ides of March. What the eff is that about?! Before launching an #occupytheOscars campaign however,  I remembered that awards season is mired in politics, lobbying and facades.  The fact of the matter is that Drive was not what the previews made it out to be, and The Ides of March was a little slow and far too reminiscent of Primary Colors. Ultimately these factors resulted in two wonderful performances  by the love of my life being overlooked. In any event, I was reminded  that so many things in Hollywood are not in fact as they appear on TV… gasp! In light of  this unwelcome brush with reality I feel compelled to dispel five myths about and/or perpetuated by Tinseltown.
1)      People run through the airport after people they love.
That actually doesn’t happen. In movies, lovers realize that that special someone is indeed the one, and not only make it to the airport on time, but proceed to find the object of their affection. Anyone who’s ever been to LA would know that scenario is absolutely impossible! Even under the best circumstances there is no way that anyone could make it from I don’t know, Ventura Blvd in Studio City to LAX in 30 minutes. And IF they could, have you been to LAX?  One would have to randomly guess the right terminal, park in the labyrinthical structure, and evade the TSA. You’re not catching the woman of your dreams. Send that bitch a text!
2)      Hollywood is full of beautiful people.
It’s really not. What it does have is loads of girls with botox, scores of women with implants, and a plethora of dames with weaves… and they are not cute. I know this may be hard to believe, but this town is replete with people who should only ever attempt to do voiceover work or make careers out of being character actors.  For every ten people who will be told by casting directors  that  they “have a very interesting look,” there is one attractive person,  who incidentally may be on their way to audition for a reality show…
3)      The beach is five minutes away from everything.
The beach is in Santa Monica and Venice and Manhattan and Malibu. I know that the crafty editing at the beginning of shows like The Hills implies that everyone can walk outside and feel the sand in their toes but guess what: they can’t. There is no beach in Glendale. The beach is not in West Hollywood. The Beach is not in Beverly Hills and it is most definitely not in Valley Village. Spoiler alert: you might see the ocean in cities with “beach” in the name.
4)      Hollywood Boulevard is clean and exciting.
It is neither. Hollywood Blvd may in fact be the most disgusting place in the entirety of the West Coast. Remember the opening  scene in Pretty Woman? That is one of the most accurate depictions of what that famous street looks like, and that was 20 years ago. Between coked out adults in costume, a myriad of homeless vagrants and a Walk of Fame that is cracked in many places, the street is a hot mess. As for exciting- only if you’re a tourist. After dark, Hollywood Blvd is hands down the scariest, sketchiest place in LA County.
5)      The casting couch is a thing of the past.
 *rolls eyes* …that is all.


  1. I have indeed been on Hollywood Blvd at night. I was concerned that if I tripped I would catch AIDS from the sidewalk.

  2. Bravo!!! A beautiful piece of literary excellence. And funny too!

  3. I definitely agree with 4. I didn't even realize I was walking on the Walk of Fame until I looked down. Was surprised that it looked like it did. I wasn't excited at all but I still dig LA for what it is.

    El Matador beach flow in Malibu next time I'm back out their Lyds!