Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Twas the Night Before Hanukkah…Because Openly Celebrating Christmas in Hollywood is Damn Near Offensive

Published 12/19/2011

If you haven’t been living under a rock and/or you’ve watched at least one episode of Entourage or Curb Your Enthusiasm, then you know that Hollywood is run by the children of Israel. Don’t get angry or offended, it’s just a fact and the sooner you realize that being one of the chosen is the way to go, the better. Besides, in this liberal climate where practicing every religion except Christianity is accepted and encouraged, Christmas has become passé at best.  Jesus is not politically correct guys! So pull up a chair Jews and goys alike because I’ve got a Christmas Chanukah story for you:

Twas the night before  Hanukkah and all through Hollywood,
studio execs wondered if their box office numbers were good.
The Oscar buzz had started  but they only wanted to see,
if real acting would ever come from the cast of Glee.
The ICM Holiday party had gone off with a smash,
and agents hoped that the near implosion was a thing of the past.
The “professionals” at UTA admired their sparkling new logo,
while failing to answer the phone in client info.
Poor assistants and interns consoled themselves with cheap beer,
while Ari Emanuel counted his ridonkulous money with cheer.
As I weaved through the 101 I had such a fright,
before realizing it was the newly skinny Jonah Hill, what a sight!
I perused the Blacklist but what did I see,
every script already attached and repped- this looks fishy to me.
I texted a daughter of Abraham to find out where to purchase chocolate gelt
and delivered them for my boss’ kids before they should melt.
Nikki Finke had hung her snarky stockings with care,
and Kim K’s waxed her newly-divorced body hair.
Not a sleigh did I see but a TMZ tour bus instead,
and I tried to erase Lilo’s Playboy shoot from my head.
I raced to the Whitney set to do my background work for the night,
Wishing Happy Hanukkah to all, and to all a good (eight) nights!


  1. haha. Ohhhh Hollywood. It never ceases to entertain even when its not trying.

  2. OMG this is hilarious!