Sunday, October 30, 2011

My Name Is on the Guest List

Published 10/30/2011

This little excursion to Drai’s was a bit of a diversion from my usual fare, because I wasn’t there by myself! No please, hold your applause (and disbelief) until later. Luckily for me, my friend @tikobeauty had both a recent birthday and a friend who knows people, so I found myself in one of the more notorious spots on Hollywood Blvd without having stood in line for hours. This sounds like it’s going to go well, right.
So as I’ve mentioned before, I lack the three Bs necessary for survival in Hollywood- Boobs, Botox and Blonde hair. On this particular outing it was painfully apparent that of the four girls I was with, I am the thinnest, the shortest and it also doesn’t help that I persist in clinging to my short hair and my unaltered nose. The thinness may seem like it shouldn’t be a problem in LA, but apparently in a place where even a meth baby could stand to lose a few pounds, there are still men who like women with curves. What I’m saying is that I looked and felt like Skipper, tagging along with Barbie and her sexy friends. #losing
So after the extensive scrutiny of my license which I’ve grown accustomed to, it took about three minutes for the birthday girl to charm her way into drinks for all of us from some random Armenian dude (Thank you random Armenian!) which was great for us, but I quickly realized two things. Number one: Networking (which was the original purpose of these quests) does not take place on the weekends after 11 PM, and two: either I’m too picky, or there is just a serious lack of Hollywood douchebags who are attractive enough to justify the banal “club conversation” that I kept finding myself caught in.  This is why I rarely go out, I found myself thinking. I’ve decided to just tell people I’m a geologist next time, as there’s a 99 percent chance that there will be no actual geologist in sight, and I can have a field day making things up and avoiding subjects like agents, lunch meetings, pilots shot, and other similar career exaggerations.
Another thing about Drai’s: only the tourists and the go-go dancers actually dance, so for this particular outing my activity du jour was “insult tweeting.” There are some things that adults who are not shooting music videos or trick-or-treating really shouldn’t wear, such as leather unitards, and lederhosen with suspenders. I’m just saying. Also,  in general, that whole V-neck t-shirt with copious chest hair thing- yeah, you’re in the wrong  sir.
So anywho, my friends had fun, and I actually  spoke to people which incidentally is easy to do in a group, but did I A) sell a spec script, B) meet a casting director who wants to put my face on billboards,  C) secure a low-level creative exec job, or D) none of the above, but have the extreme pleasure of observing my friend’s shock at the people we saw openly doing coke as we tried to find her car. If you guessed D, you’re a winner my friend. (You’re a winner in a rec  league, we’re all winners sort of way. I’m not actually going to give you anything.)
EVENING SCORECARD:
Venue: 5
Alcohol Situation: 5
Actual Beneficial Networking Achieved:0
Personal Victory/Dignity Retained: 3 (I was not alone and I avoided illegal drugs-automatic points, Son!)
Atmosphere: #winning

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