Friday, October 28, 2011

Just What the Interwebs Needs...

Published 10/28/2011

Okay , so my original plan was to start blogging when I moved back to LA about a year ago, but, er umm, that kind of didn’t happen.  I thought that perhaps the interwebs might be a little clogged with the maudlin musings of  moderate-to-very-attractive 20 somethings who are aspiring to make it in some facet of the industry.  Also, I was trying not to kill or be killed at an internship that reminded me a little too much of Swimming With Sharks (Blocking! I’m blocking it out!)
Anywho, needless to say after a year of sifting through offers from development execs who fawn over my Oscar-worthy scripts, (absolutely no one reads my scripts) and trying to decide which roles to take to push my acting career to the next level (Acting?! People who do extra work are calling themselves actors these days? The nerve!), it became clear to me that I needed to adopt a new strategy in an effort to escape the less than glamorous life of a starving artist that had become all too familiar to me.
But what can one do to in a town where connections are everything and talent is often an afterthought? Networking, obviously. Now might be a good time to mention that I’ve been described as snarky when I’m  in a good mood and acerbic on a daily basis, and bullshitting about my mostly fictional writing career is not one of my strengths. In any event, I decided to forge ahead into the world of mixers and such.  Unfortunately, due to my current  station in life as one far, far below the line, my ahem, real job prevents me from taking opportunistic jaunts around the city at my every whim. I very often (ALL the time) end up having to go on these excursions alone, but more on that later.  First, allow me to regale you with a  few survival tips that may come in handy when navigating the mean streets below Barham without  a wingman.
First of all, if you are a girl it helps to have cleavage.  Unfortunately for me, I have the body of a 10 year old boy so I’m already losing points in an area I like to call the 3Bs- BOOBS, BLONDE hair, and BOTOX in your ass and lips. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I may possibly be a 10 in the normal world but a 7 in LA because I’m cute, not sexy. Once inside the thirty mile zone, cute only works for small dogs and child actors under 12. And speaking of minors, I look a lot younger than I actually am, ( I still get carded at the movies!) so I find that people have a hard time taking me seriously.  Arggg! Damn my youthful, supple skin!  I really should have talked myself out of my social tomfoolery, but such is my struggle as an undiscovered writer that I was determined to complete these undertakings. If only writers were still  kept men like Paul Varjak in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. If only…
The  first important step is to dress appropriately, which in Hollywood I’ve noticed means  wear clothes or don’t- It’s your choice. Once you’ve picked out something  that will probably include a blazer if you’re wise or a spandex/lycra combo if you’ve been watching anything on VH1, you’ll  leave for your destination and  pray that you won’t be immediately towed when you park in a purposefully ambiguous ticket zone.  I’ve learned that it’ important to have something to do when you plan to mingle, or in my case hug the walls all by my lonesome.  
You must look important!  I quickly tire of checking and rechecking the Weather Channel on my crackberry, and rereading tweets, so I’ve found that it helps to purposefully save a few emails on a day you plan to go out so you can intently read what could be a memo about whether or not Jeremy Renner will be available for such-and-such a project, but in reality is a forwarded message about a Living Social deal. I am also the master of the fake conversation. Sometimes I get so involved in my imaginary discourse that I’m actually annoyed when someone interrupts me. I always remember however, to put my phone on vibrate so that I  don’t get embarrassed in the unlikely event that someone calls me for real.  Of course,  assuming that you really are unknown, most of the people at these “networking” events are probably doing the same thing. Stay tuned for my wonderful tales of Piano Bar, Skybar and Drai’s. If you have any suggestions about where I should go next, drop me a line at @lydsinlalaland or